I’ve spent nearly 30 years in leadership roles, sitting in all kinds of leadership rooms. Looking back on those moments, one question constantly rises to the surface: Why are we so afraid of our weaknesses?

Leaders often enter a room sizing each other up: “Where do I rank?” “How can I shine here?” Conversations quickly drift toward church size, attendance, or whatever metric makes us look best. We almost never talk about our constraints or our struggles. Why?

I think it stems from a core lie many of us believe: To be valuable, you must already be fully formed. We feel pressure to have it all together and flawlessly execute our job descriptions from day one. Deep down, the fear says, “If people really knew me, they wouldn’t respect or love me.” But the truth is the exact opposite: without being known, we can never truly be loved or supported.

Senior church leadership often falters here. We unconsciously expect those we lead to be fully formed, assuming they shouldn’t need hands-on development. Worse, we struggle to handle feedback loops.

Senior leaders: What happens when someone brings you feedback—both positive and constructive? How do you react?

Too often, defensive labels become the default response:

• “You’re just being negative.”
• “You aren’t on board with the vision.”
• “You’re creating a competing vision.”

Sure, sometimes dissent is toxic. But often, those hard questions come from people who care deeply about the mission and simply see gaps that need to be filled.

Proverbs 27:17 reminds us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” We spend so much energy trying to avoid friction, labeling it as division. But friction is the sharpening process. Without friction, a blade stays dull. If we want to lead anything of significance, we have to embrace the friction required to grow.

Over the next few posts, I want to unpack how we can change this dynamic:

• How do we overcome our fear of weakness?
• How do we lay down our pride?
• How do we break through the constraints holding our churches back?

I’d love to hear your perspective: What has your experience been on either side of this dynamic?